Happy (cue catchy song)

I’ve been mulling over the last two emails you’ve sent me, trying to work out my feelings in some sort of logic seeking process. You see, the first one, kind of said you miss me. So, it caught me off guard, and my breath caught in my throat and I wanted to vomit. Calm down, I was told, maybe that’s not what he meant. So I ignored that part of the email and responded to the remainder with only a, “thank you.” You responded, cryptically again, with “I wish you happiness.”
You wish me happiness.
You stole my children.
I am not happy.
You stole my children’s innocence.
Not happy.
My parents have incurred huge debt as a result of your drawing out a custody battle, not to mention not financially supporting the kids for 14 years.
You broke my grandfather’s heart by severing his relationship with the children.
I left my family and friends because you couldn’t stop following me around town.
I no longer volunteer for PTA or coaching because, well, I don’t have kids anymore because you took them.
You took away everything that previously brought me happiness. You broke up with your (married) girlfriend and now you wish me happiness?

Well thanks, because since you took away what originally made me happy, life lessons have taught me how to find my own happiness.
My man? He’s amazing. Super happy. The group of people I’ve met since I left? Could not imagine a better group of people to be around. They don’t judge, they don’t waiver, they’re amazing. So yeah, happy. My job? Love it. I work a lot of hours and some of the customers can be pretty crappy, but working with my best friends makes me pretty happy. I go to a great gym where I’ve made more great friends.
I don’t need your blessings or your wishes for my happiness. I’d be perfectly happy if I never had to speak to you another day in my life. I can be happy on my own terms.
So in closing, I hope YOU find happiness. Keep walking around destroying everything around you and wishing for happiness, let me know how that turns out.

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This is what it is

Sometimes people accuse me of not being angry enough. I watched a video of a senator today, who happens to be a survivor of domestic violence. Her statements were something everyone who has been in an abusive relationship can relate with. We stay because it’s expected. We stay for our children. We stay because we are scared and have been broken down and have no means to make a way for ourselves.. Domestic violence can take a perfectly productive person and debilitate them. Reasoning is
skewed. Finding ways to not trigger our abuser becomes a sole priority. We might think we are putting parenting first, but in that situation, in that moment, we are trying to avoid triggering an episode. It becomes instinctive. Like breathing, we learn to walk on eggshells. We don’t make rationale decisions, like leaving, because we are trying to LIVE.
So Boy watched the video with me, indirectly, and at the end he says, “how do you think she feels listening to herself and how irrational her past was? How can you just keep saying ‘I stayed because he was the father of my children?” It struck me that she’s probably never contemplated that because she’s just so happy to be free.

Sometimes Boy doesn’t get it. He tries so hard though. He tries to do everything he can to fix everything. But when I tell him that I can’t “hate” someone who is the father of my children, he calls me irrational. I can’t hate someone who gave me the four most amazing gifts on earth, I can only hate his actions and who he has become. I can’t wish ill, or harm or even misfortune. Those things would all affect the four things in my life that I just cannot do without. There is no more room in my heart for fear or hate. I can only hope that the love I feel for my children will one day fill the hole in my heart for the love I once felt for their father. That’s what it comes down to. There is no more love, or hate, only an empty void that holds no emotion for the father of my children.