Happy (cue catchy song)

I’ve been mulling over the last two emails you’ve sent me, trying to work out my feelings in some sort of logic seeking process. You see, the first one, kind of said you miss me. So, it caught me off guard, and my breath caught in my throat and I wanted to vomit. Calm down, I was told, maybe that’s not what he meant. So I ignored that part of the email and responded to the remainder with only a, “thank you.” You responded, cryptically again, with “I wish you happiness.”
You wish me happiness.
You stole my children.
I am not happy.
You stole my children’s innocence.
Not happy.
My parents have incurred huge debt as a result of your drawing out a custody battle, not to mention not financially supporting the kids for 14 years.
You broke my grandfather’s heart by severing his relationship with the children.
I left my family and friends because you couldn’t stop following me around town.
I no longer volunteer for PTA or coaching because, well, I don’t have kids anymore because you took them.
You took away everything that previously brought me happiness. You broke up with your (married) girlfriend and now you wish me happiness?

Well thanks, because since you took away what originally made me happy, life lessons have taught me how to find my own happiness.
My man? He’s amazing. Super happy. The group of people I’ve met since I left? Could not imagine a better group of people to be around. They don’t judge, they don’t waiver, they’re amazing. So yeah, happy. My job? Love it. I work a lot of hours and some of the customers can be pretty crappy, but working with my best friends makes me pretty happy. I go to a great gym where I’ve made more great friends.
I don’t need your blessings or your wishes for my happiness. I’d be perfectly happy if I never had to speak to you another day in my life. I can be happy on my own terms.
So in closing, I hope YOU find happiness. Keep walking around destroying everything around you and wishing for happiness, let me know how that turns out.



You Say it’s Your Birthday

I’ve been thinking, I’ve been thinking.. 🙂
So around a year ago, I decided to start drinking again. I hadn’t stopped for any particular reason, I just kinda outgrew happy hours and people and well, anxiety makes bars super weird anyway (says the career bartender). So I drank, not in any sort of hazardous pattern, but socially. This weekend, for my 35th birthday, I’ve decided I think I’m done again. I can’t think of anything it’s done for me that’s positive. Nothing’s been horrible, I haven’t gotten a DUI or done anything horribly embarrassing, but I can say it’s doing to anything to add to my quality of life. Other random thoughts from this weekend…
I don’t know if people ever really figure out who they are. I’ve spent a lot of time trying, though. It’s taken me 35 years to realize maybe there’s nothing to find. Maybe people really are just constantly changing and aging is really just a new chance to reinvent ourselves. I’ve made great friends, I’ve lost great friends. I’ve lost some really bad friends, too. I’m learning to embrace that I can’t control someone else’s actions, only my reaction. I may never know why every single thing happens, and I’ll never be able to figure out everyone’s thought processes. It’s ok to jettison dead weight when you don’t need it. Not everyone who comes into our lives is meant to stay forever, there wouldn’t be enough space to let new people in.

Stalking, as defined…

784.048 Stalking; definitions; penalties.—
(1) As used in this section, the term:
(a) “Harass” means to engage in a course of conduct directed at a specific person which causes substantial emotional distress to that person and serves no legitimate purpose.

Baby Daddy likes to reach out to my parents when he doesn’t get a response from me while he’s playing his little mind games. Anywhere else, and in all of florida except my case, this would clearly be stalking. There’s no reason for him to have any contact with my family or friends at all. I’m quite certain, I’d be in jail if I tried to contact his friends or family, as if I’d have a reason… But here’s an exchange being supervised by our court ordered therapist in response to my asking him not to contact my parents again…

On Feb 26, 2014 9:59 AM, “D ” wrote:
I will ask you, again, to please refrain from communicating with my family. It is not necessary for you to start any sort of dialogue with my parents when any sort of parenting arrangements should be made through myself and you, as parents

[His Response]

I asked your parents if they would like to have the girls for the evening or overnight sometime because the girls miss them. I’m not going through you to arrange that. If they choose not to than thier loss.

Yep, clearly that’s what I said. I’m so mean I never want my kids to see my parents again, that’s what the first email says, right??

Again, the courts and our therapist allow him to harass me and stalk me whenever he wants with no consequence, and should I say anything to redirect or change the behavior, I’m crazy…
It’s embarrassing to me that my poor life decision of marrying a psychopath continues to have intimidating an emotional effects on my family and friends. It’s emotionally draining to carry my own anxiety and guilt about my relationship, but adding to that the stress of feeling like I have to protect everyone I know from Baby Daddy is overwhelming.

Happy new year new me

I should have spent the last two days grateful my best friend could come visit from home… Instead, I was anxious every time she posted on Facebook and angry when she left.. Angry that I have to be sad that she an I aren’t together.. Angry that she had to take time off work to make a dumb drive that she wouldn’t have to make if I didn’t leave because I was afraid. I don’t know when I’ll ever get over being angry that you still get to manipulate the lives of everyone I know.. Or scared or anxious…

In the mean time, I did celebrate the new year.. Unlike last year where I was afraid to celebrate anything, thinking the girls would come home and we could make everything up.
This year, I learned a lot about living for me.
If you have asked me last year who I was, mom would have been my number one descriptive word. Today, I’m a server, I’m a sometimes student, I’m a veteran, I’m a girlfriend to an amazing man, I’m a survivor, I’m an activist and somewhere down that list, I happen to be a mom to four girls. It doesn’t define me, it’s just part of who I am and I’m learning to be ok with that. I won’t let that part get controlled.

I’ll never be safe but right now I’m free

I could just start writing my posts directly to you now, since I know you’re reading them… But this isn’t your blog. It’s my blog. This blog was a place for me to be able to safely get things off my chest without having to filter them through you anymore. I was ok, when you started reading, since again, I write for me, not for you… But I’m not ok with you following me around online because you can’t do it physically any longer. Twitter? Really? You never wanted me to socialize while we were together, this is no different. So I’m going to pretend you’re not there. Because, you’re not. I’m gone, far away. I’m moving on with my life. I’m making new friends. I’m learning to be ok with myself. Every day is a struggle to get out of bed. Every step is a struggle to put one foot in front of the other since the girls were taken away, but I keep walking. I will keep walking. I am building an identity. I’m not just a wife or a mom or the neighbor getting beat. I am productive in my own right. Sometimes people like me!! Crazy how once I was convinced no one would ever want me… I am learning to love my body. Funny how I once thought putting effort into my appearance was something I didn’t need to waste my time on, since no one would ever want me. I love fashion… Boots, skirts, dresses, makeup… Sometimes I buy things for myself and it feels amazing! I am learning to hold my head high, to be proud of my scars and left over quirks. I am finding the me I used to be… Adjusted my sails and set a different course. I found my own jet stream and navigate my own course. I am unapologetic.

May I be excused?

Why did we not go back to court as soon as mr storie was back?

Was is Baby Daddy not held accountable for breaking the restraining order when it was in effect, but I’m being punished for seeking shelter?

Why am I still being put in what dr pittington agrees is a dangerous situation?

Why am I being bullied into following Baby Daddy’s timeline?

My personal counselor does not agree that family counseling is recommended in my situation? When is his opinion considered?

Why is his harassing phone call to Brett on New Years not being considered as further proof if his abuse and manipulation?

Why are my children allowed to live with 4 other children
And a criminal yet I have NO criminal record and am STILL being punished for seeking shelter from someone who is clearly abusing ?