You Say it’s Your Birthday

I’ve been thinking, I’ve been thinking.. 🙂
So around a year ago, I decided to start drinking again. I hadn’t stopped for any particular reason, I just kinda outgrew happy hours and people and well, anxiety makes bars super weird anyway (says the career bartender). So I drank, not in any sort of hazardous pattern, but socially. This weekend, for my 35th birthday, I’ve decided I think I’m done again. I can’t think of anything it’s done for me that’s positive. Nothing’s been horrible, I haven’t gotten a DUI or done anything horribly embarrassing, but I can say it’s doing to anything to add to my quality of life. Other random thoughts from this weekend…
I don’t know if people ever really figure out who they are. I’ve spent a lot of time trying, though. It’s taken me 35 years to realize maybe there’s nothing to find. Maybe people really are just constantly changing and aging is really just a new chance to reinvent ourselves. I’ve made great friends, I’ve lost great friends. I’ve lost some really bad friends, too. I’m learning to embrace that I can’t control someone else’s actions, only my reaction. I may never know why every single thing happens, and I’ll never be able to figure out everyone’s thought processes. It’s ok to jettison dead weight when you don’t need it. Not everyone who comes into our lives is meant to stay forever, there wouldn’t be enough space to let new people in.

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Some days

I wake up feeling like I’m living an Atlas impression. The world is heavy to carry all the time. I’m crazy for thinking that, I’ve been trained.

CNN published this story about military families and depression

I’ve never read another article that so accurately describes my life. Please, if you know any military families, take the time to read the experiences of these families.

It’s not all bad

Lots of stuff in my life is sad. Lots of stuff sucks. I’d probably say the bad times outweigh the good. Butttttt, like everything else in my life, the goods are as am extreme as the bads.

This weekend Boy and I got a puppy. Although we share lots of responsibilities, she’s the first thing that is truly ours. Biggie Smalls is a Chorkie, a chihuahua Yorkie mix that I did NOT buy in a fancy pet store. Boy is in love. It is adorable.

Stated a new part time job today. 4 hours a day. The longest stretch of time I’ve had to interact with other people in months. It was rough, but it’s nice to be productive again. 4 hours is plenty though.

The girls texted me today. That makes me happy. I hope one day when they look back and realize I loved them through this all. I’m afraid of that. Do they feel like I’ve abandoned them? Have I failed to fulfill my promises to protect them forever now that they’re back with their dad? Is this unbending loyalty to their dad forever? Again I digress… The good…

Ran 4 miles in 28 minutes. Great times again yay.

The counselor wants to meet with Eric and his new married girlfriend and Boy and I. I don’t know what other court in the country would put a domestic violence victim through so much interaction with their abuser. Why do I continue to be punished for leaving someone who beat us???