Happy (cue catchy song)

I’ve been mulling over the last two emails you’ve sent me, trying to work out my feelings in some sort of logic seeking process. You see, the first one, kind of said you miss me. So, it caught me off guard, and my breath caught in my throat and I wanted to vomit. Calm down, I was told, maybe that’s not what he meant. So I ignored that part of the email and responded to the remainder with only a, “thank you.” You responded, cryptically again, with “I wish you happiness.”
You wish me happiness.
You stole my children.
I am not happy.
You stole my children’s innocence.
Not happy.
My parents have incurred huge debt as a result of your drawing out a custody battle, not to mention not financially supporting the kids for 14 years.
You broke my grandfather’s heart by severing his relationship with the children.
I left my family and friends because you couldn’t stop following me around town.
I no longer volunteer for PTA or coaching because, well, I don’t have kids anymore because you took them.
You took away everything that previously brought me happiness. You broke up with your (married) girlfriend and now you wish me happiness?

Well thanks, because since you took away what originally made me happy, life lessons have taught me how to find my own happiness.
My man? He’s amazing. Super happy. The group of people I’ve met since I left? Could not imagine a better group of people to be around. They don’t judge, they don’t waiver, they’re amazing. So yeah, happy. My job? Love it. I work a lot of hours and some of the customers can be pretty crappy, but working with my best friends makes me pretty happy. I go to a great gym where I’ve made more great friends.
I don’t need your blessings or your wishes for my happiness. I’d be perfectly happy if I never had to speak to you another day in my life. I can be happy on my own terms.
So in closing, I hope YOU find happiness. Keep walking around destroying everything around you and wishing for happiness, let me know how that turns out.

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You Say it’s Your Birthday

I’ve been thinking, I’ve been thinking.. 🙂
So around a year ago, I decided to start drinking again. I hadn’t stopped for any particular reason, I just kinda outgrew happy hours and people and well, anxiety makes bars super weird anyway (says the career bartender). So I drank, not in any sort of hazardous pattern, but socially. This weekend, for my 35th birthday, I’ve decided I think I’m done again. I can’t think of anything it’s done for me that’s positive. Nothing’s been horrible, I haven’t gotten a DUI or done anything horribly embarrassing, but I can say it’s doing to anything to add to my quality of life. Other random thoughts from this weekend…
I don’t know if people ever really figure out who they are. I’ve spent a lot of time trying, though. It’s taken me 35 years to realize maybe there’s nothing to find. Maybe people really are just constantly changing and aging is really just a new chance to reinvent ourselves. I’ve made great friends, I’ve lost great friends. I’ve lost some really bad friends, too. I’m learning to embrace that I can’t control someone else’s actions, only my reaction. I may never know why every single thing happens, and I’ll never be able to figure out everyone’s thought processes. It’s ok to jettison dead weight when you don’t need it. Not everyone who comes into our lives is meant to stay forever, there wouldn’t be enough space to let new people in.

Girls Night Out, Scared night out

Last night, a group of my new friends wanted to have a Girls night out. They planned it without me and came up with a list of things they know I like to do… One girl brought coloring books, someone else brought wine and yet another had gluten free cookie dough.
It sounds like a great time to be surrounded by people who like you enough to take your likes and dislikes into consideration…
I went to the gym and spent an hour convincing myself I would go. I dragged myself out of the apartment, and less than a mile away to M’s house and found myself surrounded by people who like me… And it was overwhelming.
At some point, after wine and conversations led to a partial listing of my anxieties, someone asked if I had always been anxious and scared. I would have said yes, but I thought and thought…
I’m a planner. I’ve always planned for worst case scenarios, but the worst case has never stopped me from doing anything before. I can trace my anxiety at this level to the day I lost the kids… Everything I had been doing up until Nov 28, 2012 was to survive. I didn’t have time to decide not to do something, because inaction would have destroyed us… I had to keep moving. When the kids were gone, I lost my purpose. I had nothing but time to think of all the awful things that had happened, that could happen… I didn’t have an army of small children to protect. I didn’t have instant connections with other people in the form of being a mom. I could relate to others because life was as normal as it could be, prior to losing the kids. Now I find it hard… The priorities other people have, conversations about children, what other people stress about. You mean, you don’t worry about someone breaking into your house and killing you as you sleep? Hmm… What’s that like? Lately, I want to be normal. I want to have friends. I want to go out and not freak out when I see people with cameras… But I still have all this time to be anxious. All this time my life is still in hold. All these court dates that never really happen. All this anger that my ex still gets to express to me without consequence…

Wtf?

Sometimes after correspondence with my ex, I feel like a walking “that escalated quickly meme.”

Am I missing something? Did I do something offensive in this email where I asked what day a field trip was on? “Is Kid 3 going on a field trip?” I didn’t get a response within 72 hours, so I forwarded it, no words unchanged… And then this:

The reason that nothing was mentioned was because I did not know if I could afford the $110.00. I was able to get the money the night before the forms were due. In all other attempts at getting either you or your family to attend functions you yourself have stated that you cannot take time off work, because you are working 130 hours every two weeks, or you feel unsafe stepping foot into Seminole County. Over and over I have brought up events and the same answer. When your parents weren’t told on one occasion about a concert, you complained about that, so on the next one, we invited them, I paid for the tickets after they said they would go, and then they called and cancelled.
Denise what do you want? You say you cannot take time off work, you say you can’t attend because you feel safe, they reach out to you and must I remind you that the last time that you saw them was December.
So please don’t give me a hard time for not reaching out to you again, when EVERY single time I have been told that you feel unsafe because of me. I have begged you to be involved and every time you would like to, however its unsafe, you are busy, this or that, there is always something preventing you from being involved. Finally when you don’t get the invitation after all the times you have said NO, NO, NO you decide that you are now willing to go and upset that you are not involved.
I ask you this? Have you had any recent conversations with the girls? have you asked them about anything? The field trip chaperoning thing is an adult thing, On that I would say please refer to the above statement about how you are unsafe or to busy and not within the area to attend the functions. however everyday how is it going in your life is something that you can talk to your kids about. Phones are still on 24 hours a day and there are no missed calls on the cell record to them from you.
Eric

What are you even saying? You’re a journalism student that can’t hold major ideas together? I’m not even sure what part of me you’re angry about…

Some days

I wake up feeling like I’m living an Atlas impression. The world is heavy to carry all the time. I’m crazy for thinking that, I’ve been trained.

CNN published this story about military families and depression

I’ve never read another article that so accurately describes my life. Please, if you know any military families, take the time to read the experiences of these families.

Stalking, as defined…

784.048 Stalking; definitions; penalties.—
(1) As used in this section, the term:
(a) “Harass” means to engage in a course of conduct directed at a specific person which causes substantial emotional distress to that person and serves no legitimate purpose.

Baby Daddy likes to reach out to my parents when he doesn’t get a response from me while he’s playing his little mind games. Anywhere else, and in all of florida except my case, this would clearly be stalking. There’s no reason for him to have any contact with my family or friends at all. I’m quite certain, I’d be in jail if I tried to contact his friends or family, as if I’d have a reason… But here’s an exchange being supervised by our court ordered therapist in response to my asking him not to contact my parents again…

On Feb 26, 2014 9:59 AM, “D ” wrote:
I will ask you, again, to please refrain from communicating with my family. It is not necessary for you to start any sort of dialogue with my parents when any sort of parenting arrangements should be made through myself and you, as parents

[His Response]

I asked your parents if they would like to have the girls for the evening or overnight sometime because the girls miss them. I’m not going through you to arrange that. If they choose not to than thier loss.
Goodday.

Yep, clearly that’s what I said. I’m so mean I never want my kids to see my parents again, that’s what the first email says, right??

Again, the courts and our therapist allow him to harass me and stalk me whenever he wants with no consequence, and should I say anything to redirect or change the behavior, I’m crazy…
It’s embarrassing to me that my poor life decision of marrying a psychopath continues to have intimidating an emotional effects on my family and friends. It’s emotionally draining to carry my own anxiety and guilt about my relationship, but adding to that the stress of feeling like I have to protect everyone I know from Baby Daddy is overwhelming.