You Say it’s Your Birthday

I’ve been thinking, I’ve been thinking.. 🙂
So around a year ago, I decided to start drinking again. I hadn’t stopped for any particular reason, I just kinda outgrew happy hours and people and well, anxiety makes bars super weird anyway (says the career bartender). So I drank, not in any sort of hazardous pattern, but socially. This weekend, for my 35th birthday, I’ve decided I think I’m done again. I can’t think of anything it’s done for me that’s positive. Nothing’s been horrible, I haven’t gotten a DUI or done anything horribly embarrassing, but I can say it’s doing to anything to add to my quality of life. Other random thoughts from this weekend…
I don’t know if people ever really figure out who they are. I’ve spent a lot of time trying, though. It’s taken me 35 years to realize maybe there’s nothing to find. Maybe people really are just constantly changing and aging is really just a new chance to reinvent ourselves. I’ve made great friends, I’ve lost great friends. I’ve lost some really bad friends, too. I’m learning to embrace that I can’t control someone else’s actions, only my reaction. I may never know why every single thing happens, and I’ll never be able to figure out everyone’s thought processes. It’s ok to jettison dead weight when you don’t need it. Not everyone who comes into our lives is meant to stay forever, there wouldn’t be enough space to let new people in.

I just don’t want to (a letter I wish I could send my court ordered therapist)

Since November 28th, 2012, I have fulfilled every request made of me from Judge Schoonover, yourself and my personal therapist in regards to my relationship with eric. I have compromised my physical and mental stability to make sure the children have been dropped off at designated times for their father. I have allowed myself to be manipulated by Eric in trying to meet his demands, as ordered by the court.
I lost my “grown up job,” obtained after we stopped moving around the country due to stalking by eric. His stalking and documented physical abuse led to anxiety that rendered me physically unable to perform my job duties.

I obtained student loans and financial aid to further my education after a decade of underemployment due to my work as a mom to four children. My ability to rely on that income was stymied when Eric was awarded custody of the children; whom he had used to obtain financial aid and government benefits when he wasn’t supporting his children.

My long term boyfriend purchased a four bedroom, three bathroom home with his life savings in order to protect my four children from their father who wasn’t supporting them. He lost his “grown up” job when said home was subject to an attempted break in, relatively shortly after Eric was trespassed from the property. We moved 500 miles away from his life, his family, his home of 23 years to keep me safe.

My long term boyfriend’s parents have provided over $12,000 worth of support to myself in an attempt to cover my living expenses, and the childrens’, after my job at Chase was lost.

My parents have paid over $20,000 in legal bills since I filed for a restraining order prior to Eric filling for divorce, but after his arrest for domestic abuse.

My children were ordered back to Eric in an attempt to maintain “stability.” Buggy no longer receives services for her placement on the autism spectrum. No children participate in after school sports. No children have been returned to Girl Scouts. All children have lost contact with any friends who’s parents I had fostered relationships with. Television is a major piece of entertainment and all children are subjected to eight children and two adults in a rented 3 bedroom apartment on a regular basis.

Eric has had my vehicle repossessed, he has destroyed my personal property and liquidated any of our joint assets. My work schedule is a continual source of ire and discontent.

All my interactions with the children are monitored and limited. I remain under Eric’s control and will into the foreseeable future.

Eric’s ultimate goal is to poison every interaction I have with the children, and the court system allows this abusive behavior to continue.

I am not allowed to tell the children that I have run away out of fear for my life because that would be bad mouthing Eric, despite his arrest record. However, Eric has the continued authority to tell the girls what an awful person I am because I sought safety…
I am at a lost as to how these can be resolved…