Don’t be afraid to ask for help… There’s nothing cowardly about being scared…


Girls Night Out, Scared night out

Last night, a group of my new friends wanted to have a Girls night out. They planned it without me and came up with a list of things they know I like to do… One girl brought coloring books, someone else brought wine and yet another had gluten free cookie dough.
It sounds like a great time to be surrounded by people who like you enough to take your likes and dislikes into consideration…
I went to the gym and spent an hour convincing myself I would go. I dragged myself out of the apartment, and less than a mile away to M’s house and found myself surrounded by people who like me… And it was overwhelming.
At some point, after wine and conversations led to a partial listing of my anxieties, someone asked if I had always been anxious and scared. I would have said yes, but I thought and thought…
I’m a planner. I’ve always planned for worst case scenarios, but the worst case has never stopped me from doing anything before. I can trace my anxiety at this level to the day I lost the kids… Everything I had been doing up until Nov 28, 2012 was to survive. I didn’t have time to decide not to do something, because inaction would have destroyed us… I had to keep moving. When the kids were gone, I lost my purpose. I had nothing but time to think of all the awful things that had happened, that could happen… I didn’t have an army of small children to protect. I didn’t have instant connections with other people in the form of being a mom. I could relate to others because life was as normal as it could be, prior to losing the kids. Now I find it hard… The priorities other people have, conversations about children, what other people stress about. You mean, you don’t worry about someone breaking into your house and killing you as you sleep? Hmm… What’s that like? Lately, I want to be normal. I want to have friends. I want to go out and not freak out when I see people with cameras… But I still have all this time to be anxious. All this time my life is still in hold. All these court dates that never really happen. All this anger that my ex still gets to express to me without consequence…


Sometimes after correspondence with my ex, I feel like a walking “that escalated quickly meme.”

Am I missing something? Did I do something offensive in this email where I asked what day a field trip was on? “Is Kid 3 going on a field trip?” I didn’t get a response within 72 hours, so I forwarded it, no words unchanged… And then this:

The reason that nothing was mentioned was because I did not know if I could afford the $110.00. I was able to get the money the night before the forms were due. In all other attempts at getting either you or your family to attend functions you yourself have stated that you cannot take time off work, because you are working 130 hours every two weeks, or you feel unsafe stepping foot into Seminole County. Over and over I have brought up events and the same answer. When your parents weren’t told on one occasion about a concert, you complained about that, so on the next one, we invited them, I paid for the tickets after they said they would go, and then they called and cancelled.
Denise what do you want? You say you cannot take time off work, you say you can’t attend because you feel safe, they reach out to you and must I remind you that the last time that you saw them was December.
So please don’t give me a hard time for not reaching out to you again, when EVERY single time I have been told that you feel unsafe because of me. I have begged you to be involved and every time you would like to, however its unsafe, you are busy, this or that, there is always something preventing you from being involved. Finally when you don’t get the invitation after all the times you have said NO, NO, NO you decide that you are now willing to go and upset that you are not involved.
I ask you this? Have you had any recent conversations with the girls? have you asked them about anything? The field trip chaperoning thing is an adult thing, On that I would say please refer to the above statement about how you are unsafe or to busy and not within the area to attend the functions. however everyday how is it going in your life is something that you can talk to your kids about. Phones are still on 24 hours a day and there are no missed calls on the cell record to them from you.

What are you even saying? You’re a journalism student that can’t hold major ideas together? I’m not even sure what part of me you’re angry about…

Some days I’m mad

Some days I’m so angry with where I am, that the anger embraces me and it’s all I can think about. The world is red and painfully bright. But then there are other days… The days I choose to shake the blanket of anger off and I feel sad. I feel sad for you, of all things.
I wonder, are you happy now? All the things you said you’d do to me, you did them all. You took everything I ever owned, you destroyed all the things that were important to me. You took my children and severed their bonds with me. You made sure I had absolutely nothing when I left. You refuse to sign divorce paperwork so that I can go be with the man I love, presumably since you’ve told me so many times, no one else could ever have me. But in spite of all of this… All these promises you made that I believed would physically kill me if they were all fulfilled, I’m still here. I’m still alive. I still manage to foster friendships with people when you told me I couldn’t. Days like today, I derive my joy from knowing how disappointed it must make you knowing that I made it. I started over and it didn’t kill me. I started over and I might be a stronger person because of it. I didn’t follow the path I thought would lead me where I wanted to go, and I’ve ended up somewhere completely different than I imagined, but it’s great. All the things you took from me, I’m sure create a heavy load of baggage for you to carry. Thanks, for keeping one set of promises and seeing it through, since it’s so unlike you..

Domestic Violence: Why People Don’t Leave.


IFS Professional Development Unit

This is a TED talk by Leslie Morgan Steiner on why domestic violence victims don’t leave. She discusses her personal experiences with domestic violence while filling us in on the statistics. Various patterns of abusive relationships are revealed.

What stood out the most for me was the common factor of isolation. So many people I have met who are dealing with abusive relationships have recently moved to a new city where they have no supports. Watch the video for all the other patterns!

Leave a comment about what stood out for you!

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