Irrational anxieties

It’s been a while since I’ve written about anything other than my legal issues as a result of being a battered wife..: I’ve shied away from posting about any of my weird after effects, PTSD symptoms, or anything Baby Daddy could use against me in regards to the custody of the kids… But the truth of the matter is I do have a lot of weird anxieties and phobias as a result of his actions and I don’t feel like it’s fair that they could be used against me in a battle against me. He broke me, and that deserves some sort of attention..
But I digress. I’m sitting in the car, in the parking lot of the gym, panicking. Only recently have I started driving again, since we got to Tallahassee, I avoid it. I didn’t bring my car with me, and I really don’t want it. The level of independence being responsible for getting myself somewhere is overwhelming for some reason. But Boy started working, and although our boss tries hard to match our schedules up, sometimes I have to drive. So I did it for a couple weeks and I decided I was ready to go back to a gym. One day after dropping Boy off I drove to the gym, dragged myself inside and plopped down cash for a gym membership. There was a point a while ago where the only place I felt safe was the gym.. Somewhere around November of last year, I couldn’t do it anymore. So many people, so many people who want to talk to me… So I bought a weight bench and that worked until we moved here.. I love to work out. I love to run. I hate that things I used to love are difficult for me now because of someone else. I can’t even explain why these things are so difficult. I’m a smart girl, I know this anxiety is not rational, but everyday I sit here for 20 minutes panicking about doing something I want to do.

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