This is what it is

Sometimes people accuse me of not being angry enough. I watched a video of a senator today, who happens to be a survivor of domestic violence. Her statements were something everyone who has been in an abusive relationship can relate with. We stay because it’s expected. We stay for our children. We stay because we are scared and have been broken down and have no means to make a way for ourselves.. Domestic violence can take a perfectly productive person and debilitate them. Reasoning is
skewed. Finding ways to not trigger our abuser becomes a sole priority. We might think we are putting parenting first, but in that situation, in that moment, we are trying to avoid triggering an episode. It becomes instinctive. Like breathing, we learn to walk on eggshells. We don’t make rationale decisions, like leaving, because we are trying to LIVE.
So Boy watched the video with me, indirectly, and at the end he says, “how do you think she feels listening to herself and how irrational her past was? How can you just keep saying ‘I stayed because he was the father of my children?” It struck me that she’s probably never contemplated that because she’s just so happy to be free.

Sometimes Boy doesn’t get it. He tries so hard though. He tries to do everything he can to fix everything. But when I tell him that I can’t “hate” someone who is the father of my children, he calls me irrational. I can’t hate someone who gave me the four most amazing gifts on earth, I can only hate his actions and who he has become. I can’t wish ill, or harm or even misfortune. Those things would all affect the four things in my life that I just cannot do without. There is no more room in my heart for fear or hate. I can only hope that the love I feel for my children will one day fill the hole in my heart for the love I once felt for their father. That’s what it comes down to. There is no more love, or hate, only an empty void that holds no emotion for the father of my children.

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3 thoughts on “This is what it is

  1. I can’t hate my abuser either and don’t wish him ill will. God says that He will repay and I dare shutter at the thought that one day this man may spend eternity in Hell. Hurting people hurt people. I am not advocating his actions – abuse is always wrong – but God says to love the sinner and hate the sin. It’s been 7 years since he threw me out for the last time and I continue to pray for his salvation. But I do it from a safe distance. Every morning he is still here and alive, I have to believe there is hope, but ultimately that is between him and God. My role is to pray.

    • I agree. I’m not, especially, religious, but I am spiritual. “Vengeance is mine says The Lord.” I truly believe that. It’s an exercise in patience and all I can do is believe that one day retribution will come to him. Also have to believe there’s a reason for everything, a season, a bigger plan.. If I didn’t, I’d probably go crazy. I’m glad you are able to find peace about it also, it’s not easy.

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