Sometimes people accuse me of not being angry enough. I watched a video of a senator today, who happens to be a survivor of domestic violence. Her statements were something everyone who has been in an abusive relationship can relate with. We stay because it’s expected. We stay for our children. We stay because we are scared and have been broken down and have no means to make a way for ourselves.. Domestic violence can take a perfectly productive person and debilitate them. Reasoning is
skewed. Finding ways to not trigger our abuser becomes a sole priority. We might think we are putting parenting first, but in that situation, in that moment, we are trying to avoid triggering an episode. It becomes instinctive. Like breathing, we learn to walk on eggshells. We don’t make rationale decisions, like leaving, because we are trying to LIVE.
So Boy watched the video with me, indirectly, and at the end he says, “how do you think she feels listening to herself and how irrational her past was? How can you just keep saying ‘I stayed because he was the father of my children?” It struck me that she’s probably never contemplated that because she’s just so happy to be free.
Sometimes Boy doesn’t get it. He tries so hard though. He tries to do everything he can to fix everything. But when I tell him that I can’t “hate” someone who is the father of my children, he calls me irrational. I can’t hate someone who gave me the four most amazing gifts on earth, I can only hate his actions and who he has become. I can’t wish ill, or harm or even misfortune. Those things would all affect the four things in my life that I just cannot do without. There is no more room in my heart for fear or hate. I can only hope that the love I feel for my children will one day fill the hole in my heart for the love I once felt for their father. That’s what it comes down to. There is no more love, or hate, only an empty void that holds no emotion for the father of my children.