I should have spent the last two days grateful my best friend could come visit from home… Instead, I was anxious every time she posted on Facebook and angry when she left.. Angry that I have to be sad that she an I aren’t together.. Angry that she had to take time off work to make a dumb drive that she wouldn’t have to make if I didn’t leave because I was afraid. I don’t know when I’ll ever get over being angry that you still get to manipulate the lives of everyone I know.. Or scared or anxious…
In the mean time, I did celebrate the new year.. Unlike last year where I was afraid to celebrate anything, thinking the girls would come home and we could make everything up.
This year, I learned a lot about living for me.
If you have asked me last year who I was, mom would have been my number one descriptive word. Today, I’m a server, I’m a sometimes student, I’m a veteran, I’m a girlfriend to an amazing man, I’m a survivor, I’m an activist and somewhere down that list, I happen to be a mom to four girls. It doesn’t define me, it’s just part of who I am and I’m learning to be ok with that. I won’t let that part get controlled.