It’s been a few days since I decided to go public with any writing of mine. I have mental diarrhea now. I can’t stop thinking thoughts and telling myself I need to write about them. If no one ever reads my blog, at least I will have everything out. Cathartic. I’ve waited my whole life for an instance to relate that word to my life.
I borrowed money from my parents for the rest of that fateful deployment to pay bills. Eric didn’t send any more money home. I didn’t know how to explain to my parents why I needed money so I think I made up something about a messed up paycheck. . . Lying was becoming a way of life. It was necessary. It’s against every fiber of my moral being. It’s tiresome. Eric came home from the deployment with a few grand saved up. I found emails and naked pictures from the friend we left in San Diego. I got in trouble for snooping. Eric choked me and told me he’d kill me. I tried to leave. Eric called my parents and told them I was going crazy. Was I??? I heard it so often. Am I? Was I always??? Will I always be? It’s all so very overwhelming sometimes I can’t breathe if I think about it too much. All the time I can’t breathe. Ever. I spend so much time feeling like I’m trying to catch my breath. . . digressing.
Eric spent lots of money and bought me nice things. I think that was the year I got my first Coach purse. Coach purses became bandages for attempted murder. So many things that were beautiful have lost their luster. Is this what it means to become jaded?
Shit started getting hot in the desert again. Eric left again. Shocking. Eric started sleeping with his QM3. Shocking. I got in trouble for snooping. Eric wouldn’t have to cheat if I just gave him some space. If I could just take care of myself. Kacey was just so much fun. She didn’t bitch about responsibilities or chores or make Eric feel bad about himself for not doing things. I take these statements directly from emails he’s sent me. I took them all to heart. I’m so dumb. That was the year my next door neighbor/new best friend babysat my kids for Eric so that Kacey and Eric could fuck in our house uninterrupted. I’m not resentful. It was what it was. I was just a kid. No one seemed to pay attention to that and I was forgetting.