May I be excused?

Why did we not go back to court as soon as mr storie was back?

Was is Baby Daddy not held accountable for breaking the restraining order when it was in effect, but I’m being punished for seeking shelter?

Why am I still being put in what dr pittington agrees is a dangerous situation?

Why am I being bullied into following Baby Daddy’s timeline?

My personal counselor does not agree that family counseling is recommended in my situation? When is his opinion considered?

Why is his harassing phone call to Brett on New Years not being considered as further proof if his abuse and manipulation?

Why are my children allowed to live with 4 other children
And a criminal yet I have NO criminal record and am STILL being punished for seeking shelter from someone who is clearly abusing ?

It’s not all bad

Lots of stuff in my life is sad. Lots of stuff sucks. I’d probably say the bad times outweigh the good. Butttttt, like everything else in my life, the goods are as am extreme as the bads.

This weekend Boy and I got a puppy. Although we share lots of responsibilities, she’s the first thing that is truly ours. Biggie Smalls is a Chorkie, a chihuahua Yorkie mix that I did NOT buy in a fancy pet store. Boy is in love. It is adorable.

Stated a new part time job today. 4 hours a day. The longest stretch of time I’ve had to interact with other people in months. It was rough, but it’s nice to be productive again. 4 hours is plenty though.

The girls texted me today. That makes me happy. I hope one day when they look back and realize I loved them through this all. I’m afraid of that. Do they feel like I’ve abandoned them? Have I failed to fulfill my promises to protect them forever now that they’re back with their dad? Is this unbending loyalty to their dad forever? Again I digress… The good…

Ran 4 miles in 28 minutes. Great times again yay.

The counselor wants to meet with Eric and his new married girlfriend and Boy and I. I don’t know what other court in the country would put a domestic violence victim through so much interaction with their abuser. Why do I continue to be punished for leaving someone who beat us???

Pour more cement. 7.

It’s been a few days since I decided to go public with any writing of mine.  I have mental diarrhea now.  I can’t stop thinking thoughts and telling myself I need to write about them.  If no one ever reads my blog, at least I will have everything out.  Cathartic.  I’ve waited my whole life for an instance to relate that word to my life.   

 

I borrowed money from my parents for the rest of that fateful deployment to pay bills.  Eric didn’t send any more money home.  I didn’t know how to explain to my parents why I needed money so I think I made up something about a messed up paycheck. . .  Lying was becoming a way of life.  It was necessary.  It’s against every fiber of my moral being.  It’s tiresome.  Eric came home from the deployment with a few grand saved up.  I found emails and naked pictures from the friend we left in San Diego.  I got in trouble for snooping.  Eric choked me and told me he’d kill me.  I tried to leave.  Eric called my parents and told them I was going crazy.  Was I???  I heard it so often.  Am I?  Was I always???  Will I always be?  It’s all so very overwhelming sometimes I can’t breathe if I think about it too much.  All the time I can’t breathe.  Ever.  I spend so much time feeling like I’m trying to catch my breath. . . digressing.

Eric spent lots of money and bought me nice things.  I think that was the year I got my first Coach purse.  Coach purses became bandages for attempted murder.  So many things that were beautiful have lost their luster.  Is this what it means to become jaded? 

Shit started getting hot in the desert again.  Eric left again.  Shocking.  Eric started sleeping with his QM3.  Shocking.  I got in trouble for snooping.  Eric wouldn’t have to cheat if I just gave him some space.  If I could just take care of myself.  Kacey was just so much fun.  She didn’t bitch about responsibilities or chores or make Eric feel bad about himself for not doing things.  I take these statements directly from emails he’s sent me.  I took them all to heart.  I’m so dumb.  That was the year my next door neighbor/new best friend babysat my kids for Eric so that Kacey and Eric could fuck in our house uninterrupted.  I’m not resentful.  It was what it was.  I was just a kid.  No one seemed to pay attention to that and I was forgetting.